Leave Father & Mother

I’m a firm believer in that husband and wife should leave father and mother and cleave to each other.

President Kimball said, “your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).”

I love that fact that Glenn and I married, moved away, and struggled to build our lives together. I love that we were poor. I love that we lived independent of our families. Our relationship flourished because we had to rely on each other. We learned to appreciate all of the little things in life, as well as one another.

Our habit of walking together daily formed from our lack of financial resources. Walking is free! We would walk daily to get out of our cramped little studio. We learned to love nature and to dream together as we meandered through our town.

We learned to be mindful of each other. I was very conscious about stretching our grocery money, yet still tried to make Glenn’s favorite meals out of the little we had. Providing for the necessities as well as striving for some nicer things was a motivating force for my husband. I’m so glad I didn’t rely on my parents to provide what my husband could not.

Glenn is so handy, and what he didn’t know how to do or fix, he would simply teach himself to do. I love the skills we both gained from the struggle. We were happy as we learned to take care of ourselves. We were driven and goal oriented. I tell my kids all of the time that we want that blessing of struggling together for them too. They know that we expect them to work and build their own marriage and family apart from us.

Water Your Grass

The Grass is Greener on the Side of the Fence You Water

Let’s be real for a minute. Strong marriages take a lot of diligent effort and commitment. I don’t believe in the saying, “we fell in love,” any more than I believe that people simply “fall out of love.” In my mind, love is a verb…it is something we do. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Trials and setbacks of all kinds will challenge each of us, and our marriages and families. So, how do we stay faithfully and happily committed and connected through the ups and downs, or even through the monotony of married life?

Water your grass!

This statement from President Kimball explains further this thought:

“The Lord says in no uncertain terms: ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else’ (D&C 42:22).

And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: ‘Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.’

The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. (Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.)

So, to water our marital grass, we have to carefully tend to our spouse. I’ve found that the small things go a long way in drawing closer to my spouse. Things like:

·       Initiating sex

·       Making his favorite dinner

·       Asking about his work

·       Spending time doing his favorite activities

·       Buying his favorite toothpaste/shampoo

I feel like anytime I can show that I know my spouse and that I care about his desires, he draws closer to me, and vice versa.

Accepting & Appreciating

Accepting and Appreciating

If we really understand the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we understand that mistakes and imperfection in this life is the name of the game. We are here to become, over a lifetime and then some, an eternal companion in a forever family.

In all of the reading I’ve done for this marriage class, the most impactful for me was the chapter in Dr. Goddard’s book about pride in marriage. I found myself practically rewriting that whole chapter in my notes because everything spoke to me. Here are some of the things that stood out to me, because I really need to work on them or I see evidence of them all around me:

•  “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse…we are guilty of pride.”
•  “The natural man is inclined to love himself and to fix others.” I love to fix others. Oh my.
•  His concept that in the world we teach that we should look out for ourselves and make sure we are happy, when what really makes us happy is serving others!
•  Pride=we are innocent; others are guilty
•  Pride=attunement to our own needs as a standard of judgement
•  “In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves.”
•  “Appreciating is more powerful that correcting.” YES! This!

·       There is power in submission. Ask. Seek. Petition. He can do MORE than we can.

I am more prideful than I thought. This chapter was a great opportunity for me to self-reflect and make some needed changes. I love to love. However, after reading this chapter, I realized a had a skewed vision of “loving” and “helping”. I’m so excited to be more focused on loving my spouse by accepting and appreciating.

Loving without Pride

If we really understand the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we understand that mistakes and imperfection in this life is the name of the game. We are here to become, over a lifetime and then some, an eternal companion in a forever family.

In  all of the reading I’ve done for this marriage class, the most impactful for me was the chapter in Dr. Goddard’s book about pride in marriage. I found myself practically rewriting that whole chapter in my notes because everything spoke to me. Here are some of the things that stood out to me, because I really need to work on them or I see evidence of them all around me:

·       “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse…we are guilty of pride.”

·       “The natural man is inclined to love himself and to fix others.” I love to fix others. Oh my.

·       His concept that in the world we teach that we should look out for ourselves and make sure we are happy, when what really makes us happy is serving others!

·       Pride=we are innocent; others are guilty

·       Pride=attunement to our own needs as a standard of judgement

·       “In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves.”

·       “Appreciating is more powerful that correcting.” YES! This!

·       There is power in submission. Ask. Seek. Petition. He can do MORE than we can.

I am more prideful than I thought. This chapter was a great opportunity for me to self-reflect and make some needed changes. I love to love. However, after reading this chapter, I realized a had a skewed vision of “loving” and “helping”. I’m so excited to be more focused on loving my spouse by accepting and appreciating.

Overcoming Conflict

             

  

Overcoming Marital Conflict

If you were to ask me to illustrate a plan for my dream home, I could come up with a lovely plan. Likewise, if you asked my husband to do the same, he could also come up with a fantastic design. However, my guess is that our homes would be very different. My home would have a large kitchen, with lots of windows, while my husband’s dream home would surely include an over-sized garage.

While reading Dr. Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, I found one of the best analogies for describing marriage. Dr. Goddard said, “I think of the allegory of a man who had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He provided no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. So, each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived at the site, they were jarringly different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities did not match up. Roofs and walls between the two halves did not connect. This is a pretty good symbol for marriage. Each of us is created in a different "factory" or family. Two people come together assuming that they will readily connect. But we soon find chat our traditions, expectations, assumptions, and ways of life do not line up. The more time chat passes, the more clear the differences.”

Dr. Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said that 69% of marital conflict fall into the “perpetual problems” category, meaning that the conflicting issues are pretty much there to stay. Based on the house analogy described above, I think we should expect differences when we marry. We should expect adjustments and compromise to be part of the building of a successful marriage.

In my limited reading on this topic, I would agree with Gottman, that finding ways to laugh about your differences will be a tremendous help to building a happy marriage. When we have made many security deposits into our marriage account, we can then rely on humor to diffuse the inevitable differences we find. The longer I am married, the more I see the value and skill of this tactic in my own home. Try it! 

Learn to laugh at your differences.

Pride in Marriage

Prideful Much?

I willingly admit that at times I can be prideful. However, until my reading this week, I wasn’t aware of some of the signs of pride. I’m perhaps guiltier of this fault than I thought.

Let me share what I’ve learned, in case you find yourself in my shoes.

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. W. Goddard identified these as acts of pride:

1.       When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse (69)

2.       Attunement to our own needs as a standard of judgement (72)

3.       We honestly believe that we understand others and what makes them tick

4.       We are innocent = “they” are guilty

5.       Competitiveness, disobedience, selfishness, contention

And can I please share the most striking points made in this chapter of the book? They are just what I needed to hear.

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to…fix ourselves, by repenting, and to love others.” (69)

Yes, to this! It’s so true. As I read this, and thought of all of the great “suggestions” I have for improvement for my spouse or others, my heart is pricked. I really can’t think of anywhere in the scriptures that tell us to fix or change others. However, there are MANY instances where we are commanded to LOVE and FORGIVE.

To go along with this line of thought Dr. Goddard also reminded that:

Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.