Be Intentional About LOVING Your Spouse

This week is Valentine’s Day. A holiday that reminds us to show our love to that special person in our lives.  As I was reading the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, I read a chapter that was just for me. It was all about nurturing your fondness and admiration for your spouse.

We all know that anything not nurtured risks withering away. Every relationship ebbs and flows through cycles of peaks and valleys. By nature, life is just this way. Marriage is this way too. Busy schedules, transitions, trials, and distractions can slowly, even imperceptibly push a couple apart.  Dr. Gottman says:

“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” (69)

He described the act of creating fondness and admiration this way: “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”

The greatest part of my reading was when Gottman gave pages of exercises on how to reinvigorate fondness and admiration, as well as learn to cherish your spouse.

Here are a few of the ideas I LOVED!

o   Tell your spouse 5 things you appreciate that they do. (74)

o   Talk about how you met and fell in LOVE. (77)

o   Make a list of characteristics that MELT YOUR HEART about your spouse. (79)

o   List things/goals you SHARE. (82-83)

Just by thinking about all of the things I cherish about my husband, I’ve been overwhelmed with gratitude. This works! Any negative thoughts or little criticisms have been replaced with appreciation. I needed this. I need to do this every day. I am so blessed to be married to an incredible, hard-working man, yet more often than I’d like to admit, I focus on the little discrepancies in our marriage. This was a game changer for me.

REMIND YOURSELF WHY YOU LOVE YOUR NUMBER 1 AND LET THEM KNOW!!!

Lovers AND Friends

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman said, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” (21) To paraphrase, he said that negativity undermines healthy relationships, while friendship is the foundation that can help a marriage succeed.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit. First I thought about my best girls friends. I asked myself why these people are my favorites?

The women I choose to spend my time with display these traits:

• ·       They are kind and encouraging
• ·       They are supportive and good listeners
• ·       They talk me out of rough places when I am down
• ·       They share common interests – we cook, play pickle ball, work out, hike, camp, go to concerts, and read together
• ·       We share common family goals and encourage each other in the gospel
• ·       We teach each other and help one another in our responsibilities, whether it’s in callings, as mothers, or as wives
• ·       These women are fun to be around and uplifting

I remember a friend saying to me one time, “I’m really scared for my kids to grow up and leave home. I don’t have a relationship with my husband like you do with yours. We don’t do things together. When the kids leave, I’ll be alone.” I’ve thought of that often. It made me ponder what my husband and I do to stay connected. We have many ways that we can improve. However here are some things I think we’ve done well, that lends to our friendship:

• ·       We got a dog our first year of marriage. With that dog, we began a daily ritual of walking together. Twenty-three years later, we still walk together more days than not.
• ·       On our walks (undisturbed by phones/tv/etc.) we have planned our lives together. We set goals, described our hopes and dreams, we named our children and even rehearsed for job interviews.
• ·       We have fun together. My husband has always wanted a boat.  We saved for that and have spent countless hours together as a family learning and laughing on the water.
• ·       We go out with other couples who share our interests of music and the outdoors.
• ·       We sign up for races together – half marathons, ragnars, 5k’s.

It was good for me to analyze my friendship with my husband. I think there are times when we are close, and times when the busyness of life pulls us in different directions. Reading the aforementioned book makes me want to double me efforts of deepening my relationship with my spouse, making sure that he is always by best friend.