Lovers AND Friends

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman said, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” (21) To paraphrase, he said that negativity undermines healthy relationships, while friendship is the foundation that can help a marriage succeed.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit. First I thought about my best girls friends. I asked myself why these people are my favorites?

The women I choose to spend my time with display these traits:

• ·       They are kind and encouraging
• ·       They are supportive and good listeners
• ·       They talk me out of rough places when I am down
• ·       They share common interests – we cook, play pickle ball, work out, hike, camp, go to concerts, and read together
• ·       We share common family goals and encourage each other in the gospel
• ·       We teach each other and help one another in our responsibilities, whether it’s in callings, as mothers, or as wives
• ·       These women are fun to be around and uplifting

I remember a friend saying to me one time, “I’m really scared for my kids to grow up and leave home. I don’t have a relationship with my husband like you do with yours. We don’t do things together. When the kids leave, I’ll be alone.” I’ve thought of that often. It made me ponder what my husband and I do to stay connected. We have many ways that we can improve. However here are some things I think we’ve done well, that lends to our friendship:

• ·       We got a dog our first year of marriage. With that dog, we began a daily ritual of walking together. Twenty-three years later, we still walk together more days than not.
• ·       On our walks (undisturbed by phones/tv/etc.) we have planned our lives together. We set goals, described our hopes and dreams, we named our children and even rehearsed for job interviews.
• ·       We have fun together. My husband has always wanted a boat.  We saved for that and have spent countless hours together as a family learning and laughing on the water.
• ·       We go out with other couples who share our interests of music and the outdoors.
• ·       We sign up for races together – half marathons, ragnars, 5k’s.

It was good for me to analyze my friendship with my husband. I think there are times when we are close, and times when the busyness of life pulls us in different directions. Reading the aforementioned book makes me want to double me efforts of deepening my relationship with my spouse, making sure that he is always by best friend.